Depression is a common & serious medical illness that affect negatively on how you feel, the way you think and act. Depression is a feeling of sadness & loss interest in activities that used to enjoy.
2014 is a year that I won't forget in my history. It make me realise that there No One who are able to help me except MYSELF. Let me share with you how I handle my depression. I'm not telling you the details what are main thing that me depressed. I just telling you my situation & how I felt.
I still remember I used to lock myself in the room & turn up the music loud so that no one know that I was sad & crying. I cry every night in the dark room, I locked the door, the window are closed too so that the oxygen won't come in but I was wrong😂 . If I enter those room I still can feel the pain, those tear , the hardship that I've been through. Luckily, that I able manage my depression so well.
I also attempted to kill myself as I don't understand why would I born if I have gone through the hardship in life. I become less motivated, every time I come from those room I feel like the dark shadows are ahead me, my body feel weak even it so hard for me to stand. Everything seems wrong to me. I feel lonely, no one listen to me, how I able to help myself , does other people feel the same way? What I live for ? I also blame God why do I lived if it for hardship.
Why I'm still alive today?
It because I'm so determined that I don't want my children feel the same way as I did. I also want to help people who having the same issue. Most people don't understand why would people who have a hard time , having depression would attempted to kill themself? It is because there No SOLUTION for them. There NO HAPPINESS for them. They DON'T TRUST PEOPLE around them. Even though you seek for medical help it won't help to cure it at all. But some people who seek medical health will able to recover & manage their emotions well and some are not, there prefer to end their life.
In my case there no medical care or no support from someone. I slowly get back to myself(the happy girl😂) as MIRACLE happened. It happens in one night, it was the most painful night than the other night. Something hit my brains really hard, I couldn't move my hand, my leg and even my body. My whole body was numb. I was so afraid that night will be my last.
There no tear it just my body laying on my bed seek for help. I try to scream so that someone can see me on my last day but my lips was locked tightly. There no one on my side. Everything was dark, my head dizzy and I only can see a small white line. Even my eyes barely open. I'm started to regret everything. I don't want to died with regret. There a lot thing that I need to do & learn. I try to calm myself. At first, it was so hard for me to calm myself. For first 10 minutes, I failed to calm myself .
I started to pray & forget everything that burdened me. I'm still remember my prayer, I asked for help & show me the way how to be back to my normal life. I don't want to died as there a great future ahead me. Even though it dark, I believe there a small light will lead me . That was the first pray after the whole hardship I have been through. I just keep murmuring & pray until I fall asleep.
I guess my prayers has been answered, on the next day I feel like my burdened slowly fade away. It was the best sleep after a long nightmares. I don't remember anything, I grab my phone and there a lot of unread message & one of it is from my friend.
"Celia, free kha d pgla? Ulh kha d nlong kmi ba greja.? Kami enda ckup tubuh." I don't think much as I want to leave this room as soon as possible. I rushed to the church & meet a lot of people smiling at me. I wonder, what if I just like them & keep smiling as there no worries.
At first, I have no interest helping them, most kid are singing & doing some preparations for the Christmas caroling. They asked me to sing along but I just sit on the beach facing the cross. "If you ask me to do this thing ,I will do it for You & I put my life on You, You decide it for me". For a week I follow the Father every where he go & spread a God word. I also actively participate on every church activities.
Why do I call it MIRACLE?
As I'm helping people even though I not capable enough to help with big thing it make me HAPPY. I slowly forget everything. Something that make me realise that, even though my current situation make feel unhappy, not appreciate what I had but after helping those who need a help it tells me that I'm not the only one who face the same issue.
Most people did, what we need to do we need to appreciate our life. Most people face the same issue just like me but even worst! I'm lucky that I'm still have my parents on my side, I'm capable to do everything, I can eat what I want everyday.
There are people who are not capable than me but still appreciate their life even though a small gift will make them happy and why I'm have everything but I'm not HAPPY? This is how MIRACLE work. It make me realise, even though I'm not appreciate what I have now but there still a person who suffer more than me but still believe in beautiful life ahead them.
God gave a beautiful life for us. Every person have different chapter, we all facing the hardship as the times that make us feel different. Most people can become successful in short term but some are not. What I learned that our journey are different, we have different story to tell but we facing the same a HARDSHIP . Money can be earned anytime & anywhere but life cannot be earned & end as you want.
As the GOD make me realise a small thing in life, I started to appreciate it. I leave everything on Him. He a good listener, He a great Father. He my friend & my inspiration. I do believe beautiful life ahead me. So my message is before you guys made ridiculous decision just like killing yourself make sure you help people who needed first. Do a good deed before you die & don't regret it later and you will value your life even more. If you guys having the same issues as me, don't worry just seek for His help, He know what to do because He created you & this beautiful life.
My message is don't selfish, help people who need a help. Even though you are not capable to help them, just PRAY for people who need help. Be kind to your brother & sister.
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